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Chris Wilkinson column: Our increasing need for certainty is hurting us

Force yourself out of your comfort zone regularly
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Chris Wilkinson

By Chris Wilkinson

Our need for certainty and security is built into our very DNA. Into our minds. Into our deepest needs. Safety screams for certainty.

One of Tony Robbins’s foundational teachings is his model for the six basic human needs. The need for certainty is the first he refers to.

The thing is, while this desire for certainty can help keep us safe in certain situations, mostly it just keeps us stuck. And limited. And playing small with our lives.

Robbins often goes on to say that when people have certainty as their primary need over the others, the trajectory and success levels in their lives are predictable: it’s limited, stuck, emotionally lower quality, and largely unfulfilled.

Certainty is the enemy of growth. When meaningful growth comes mostly in the form of stretching outside of our comfort zones in life experiences, we literally grow best when we are uncertain. When we are outside of our experiential safety zone.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the last three years have propelled nearly everyone much more into the ‘craving safety and security’ zone. Unfortunately, it’s not to be found. And the result is higher anxiety, over thinking, frustration, projecting pain onto others, over reacting, self-isolating, judgment, and other negative emotions and behaviours. Like, how’s alcohol intake or other destructive behaviours since the pandemic started? Crisis centre stats are way up. Google search it — it’s ugly. And unfortunate.

So if you’re the type of person who gets to a point where how you are showing up makes you want to elevate your game, there are things you can do to improve the situation. And boost your resilience!

1. Get clear on what you want

The big three are relationships, career, and health. Jot down one or two things you want in each of these areas. Be crystal clear on what you want and see yourself in your mind’s eye having it. Then channel the feelings now that you’ll feel even more of when you take action and start bringing these things into being. When you decide with personal power that you want something, and channel the good feelings that accompany those things, you automatically start to see the first steps you need to take to move in that direction.

Another great thing about being clear about what you want is the ease with which saying no to unrelated activities (usually requested of you by others) produces. We hear a lot in personal improvement that boundaries and saying no is super important. Clarity on exactly what you want is how you begin to do that.

2. Force yourself out of your comfort zone regularly

Getting out of your comfort zone is a skill, just like learning to stay in your comfort zone is. Whichever one you practice more is the one you will get as your default setting. Practice with more intention those behaviours that, deep down, you know will serve you better. Daily.

3. Learn to enjoy the process

The feeling of personal growth is always preceded by fear, or an ‘imposter syndrome’ feeling and thought of “I can’t do this”. It’s simply our mind (ego) trying to keep us safe, which is nice and all, but not productive. When you can learn to associate good feelings and emotions with the growth process, you’ll create your very own positive feedback loop in your brain that will reward you with dopamine (reward chemical of the brain) each time you set a small growth goal and achieve it! And big goals are simply the sum total of small goals.

The next time you want to achieve a goal outside of your comfort zone, make yourself feel positive emotions such as gratitude or satisfaction in your body as you prepare to and actually complete the chosen task. And make sure to congratulate yourself in some way. A reward of some sort. Even five minutes of intentionally feeling good about what you’ve just accomplished. We have a saying in coaching — ‘Celebrate to Integrate’! Rewarding our wins helps make the new positive behaviours stick around more powerfully.

Of course, other healthy habits like daily activity, enough sleep, and proper nutrition go a long way to boosting your resilience too — these three are the essential foundation for any lasting progress. So consider the above steps as your life hacks for getting comfortable with uncertainty, to go along with a healthy lifestyle to boost resilience.

If you do these things above, I guarantee you’ll enjoy your results. I guarantee you’ll love what you create for yourself. And I guarantee you’ll start to see just how intentional and strong you really are.

Chris Wilkinson is a High Performance Coach who works with driven leaders and entrepreneurs who want to break through to their next level. For more information visit www.CoachingWithChris.ca or email Chris at info@CoachingWithChris.ca